As I sit here in the dark (4:45PM) after putting my two kids down for a nap, tears consume my eyes for the third time today. I’m sitting next to my Christmas tree, which usually makes me feel better, but it’s not lit up because I just don’t have the care to plug it in.
There isn’t exactly one thing that’s “wrong,” so there’s no quick fix to how I’m feeling. I’ve already had three cups of coffee and a large cup of tea, but I still don’t feel “up.”
My fiance keeps telling me to get a job, not because we need the money, but because I need to have at least one day “away.” And he’s right; I know he’s right, but I just can’t seem to get enough motivation to go through that whole process of applying, interviewing, waiting around for someone to hire me- bleh, not really interested.
No, I’m not lazy. I worked most of my adult life since I was 17 and even did some time in the military, but now is different. Now I’m tired.
But not the kind of tired where you were out all night and have to get up early for work.
Or the kind of tired where you just did an hour of military physical training and now have to go into a twelve hour shift.
It’s the kind of tired where I can barely lift my fingers to type this out on the keyboard.
And the worst part? I’m not even sure how I got to this point.
The days blend together.
It’s the second week of December? I barely even knew December started.
I keep thinking it’s Wednesday. For some reason, I think every day is Wednesday. But it’s not, it’s Sunday, which reminds me- Sundays suck for me, so I get why I’m feeling it extra today.
You see, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of every week I am home alone ALL day long with my two very small children. So, by the time Sunday rolls around, I’m just done. I have had it and I’m ready for the stretch to be over.
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I had some visitors once and a while, but nobody seems to come around.
It’s funny (not really), for most of my adult life, I haven’t lived in my home town. I have lived in five different states in the past six years, and every time I would come home to visit, there would be a bunch of people wanting to hang out. As of this past April, I am now in my home state, only fifteen minutes from my hometown. Yet, here I sit all alone, and this is the way it’s been since I’ve been back. No calls or messages of any kind from anyone (except for my mom) saying they are coming over or inviting me somewhere.
And as much as I say it doesn’t, it DOES bother me. It bothers me a lot.
I have friends that don’t reach out (even though I try to reach out to them) and family members that have seemed to forgotten about me.
It’s just not the same.
I just feel like giving up on trying to make myself feel surrounded by these people, when I’m not anymore.
Heck, I had more people by my side when I was away.
It just doesn’t make sense.
I guess this post is nothing but a pity party and a ramble- I GUESS.
It just needed to be said, and I thank you if you read through this whole thing.
Love ya,
Maria