Dear sweet boy, my second baby,
Before you were born, I constantly asked myself:
“What if I won’t love you as much as I did your big sister?”
“Is it even possible to love another human being as much as I love your sister?”
“What if I somehow love you more than sissy?”
“What if I have a favorite?”
Of course, now that you’re here, it seems silly that I even had those thoughts. And the truth is, as soon as you were born, my heart grew, and I quickly learned that I didn’t have to love anyone less to love you as much as I could.
Luckily for you, you don’t have to go through the trial-and-errors like your big sis did. You won’t get dragged to the doctor’s office every time you had the sniffles or a low grade fever. You won’t have to sleep in a sleeper next to our bed (which apparently now are death traps and have been recalled) because mommy is too nervous to let you sleep alone.
But not so luckily, you won’t be able to have mama’s full attention like sissy did. The thing is, your toddler of a sister is a lot of work, and I just can’t hold you as much as I would like and as much as you want me to.
When you are ready to eat, you may have to wait a few minutes until I can get you your bottle because sissy just dumped her bowl of milk onto the floor and is now slippy and sliding in it.
When you need a bath, it just might have to wait another day because your sister is cranky and will for sure throw a fit if you bathe before her.
If you’re tired, it may take a few minutes before mama can get to you because sister is throwing yet another tantrum and needs her mama, too.
I feel like time’s moving so fast with you, and I know it probably feels like you’re learning new things without anyone noticing, but I see you, bud. I see you crawling to your toys in the background and saying “Dada” for the first time. I see you get past your crankiness on your own because you know mama is trying so hard, and I am so proud of you.
Before I can even do all the things I wanted to while you are a baby, you are 7 months old.
I wanted to watch you fall asleep in my arms one more time, while I rocked you, but now you like to sleep on your own.
I wanted to lay in bed with you for hours just giggling and cuddling, but now you’re on the move and don’t want to stay in one place for more than 30 seconds.
I want to read many, many books to you before you fall asleep, but sissy doesn’t like it when we touch her stuff.
I feel like your mommy time is being rushed, and for that- I am sorry. I wish time would just slow down for a bit so we can enjoy these moments of you being an innocent baby, but I know, that if anything, time will only speed up from here on out.
I cry as I put you to bed because of the guilt of not being able to give you enough attention rushes over me. As tears stream down my face, you smile and giggle at me, which of course makes me feel like not such a failure after all.
You are such a happy and sweet baby boy, and your laugh can brighten up any moment. You’re so tough and stay strong when sissy accidentally hits you and purposely steals your toys- thank you for that- I know it can’t be fun, but you make it so much easier on mommy.
The bond we have together is different than what I have with your sister, and that’s OK- it’s so very special, just like you, and I can tell you’re going to be the biggest mama’s boy, and that’s perfectly OK with me.
We can’t have all the time together right now, but I do enjoy our small moments throughout the day of just the two of us. The midnight feedings and changes, where I get to say “It’s ok, mama’s here,” and when you wake up before your sister in the mornings are two of my favorites. Because for a few moments, it’s just us.
You are my second baby, but you are loved as if you were my first, and you will always hold a special place in my heart.