I haven’t been “me” in quite some time. I know it, you know it, our cat even knows it. As you know, our two kids can be really, really tough to take care of by yourself. I mean, up until a month ago, we had two kids under two and that seemed bad, but now, we have one in a serious tantrum phase and another who is still an infant. They’re great, we both know that, but they have taken my time, energy, and life from me (and I’m okay with that).
The person you’ve been living with and raising your children with these past few weeks, months (I’m not even sure; I lost track of time), isn’t the woman you’re used to. She’s someone who got lost in between all the chaos of taking care of our children all day, every day, for the past six months and never finding time to recharge. And we need to realize together that this is not me.
First and foremost, I don’t want to be this way.
I miss the “me” I was before. The fun-and-happy girl who loved life and looked forward to so many things. Now, I’m just a grump who is constantly miserable and snaps so easily. I’m exhausted all the time because I’m the house maid and private chef (definitely not calling myself a chef; we both know I’m barely good at cooking). I’m not blaming anyone for this, it just is what it is .
Most days it seems like I don’t even like you, let alone love you. But I do. And I need you. In fact, I need you now more than I’ve ever needed you before. I know it doesn’t seem that way, but I do. Despite me being irritable and unpleasant to be around, I need you to help me and support me through this difficult time. I need you to at least pretend to understand what I’m going through. I need you to see that I’m struggling and just give me a hug. But at the same time, I need you to give me my space. I know, typical right?
Six out of the seven days a week, I don’t want to get all dolled up for you (I’m sorry) or even myself. My hair is barely ever washed, and I can never really find the motivation to find my hair brush, let alone actually brush it. Pajama pants and baggy shirts seem to have taken over my whole wardrobe, as that’s all I seem to be wearing nowadays. Sometimes I wonder if you care that I always look this way.
You probably expect to come home every night from work to a clean home welcoming you from the long day you had on your feet. I’m sure as soon as you walk through that front door, you get hit with the wall of bad energy that was left over from the day the three of us just had. I know you hate when the dishes get piled up, but there they are. I’m looking at them right now with no desire to wash them.
The laundry is never-ending, and I have accepted that that’s going to be the case until there are no longer four of us living under the same roof. I swear I vacuum at least twice a day, but you can’t tell because by the time you get home, there’s cereal and crackers spread across the floor. I never used to cry, but now you come home to my puffy face that shows what kind of day we had.
Some days, I don’t even leave the house to check the mail. And I know how important it is to just get out, even if it’s just to take the kids for a walk, but usually I just can’t seem to bring myself to even do that. Every time I take the kids somewhere alone, all hell breaks lose. Every. Single. Time. Taking them to the park is even hard. One day, a woman apologized to me because the kids were being so bad. HOW EMBARRASSING. Except no, I don’t care about being embarrassed by my kids anymore.
When did things get so messy? I try and try to remember a time when I didn’t feel like this, but I can’t seem to. I want to be who I was so bad. I want to be able to sit at the table to eat dinner with you at the same time again without one of us having to get up. I want to have the energy to go on weekly date nights like we used to. I want to be able to stay up past midnight with you. I want to catch up on all our shows that we used to watch.
Those days seem to be gone for me, for us, and I don’t feel like they will ever come back.
But, they will. I know they will. Things will get easier and we will find a way to make all of our dreams come true once and for all.
I will be “me” again, I know that because deep down, I’m still here. But until then, you have to stick with me.